This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
calling in to work dehydrated
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay