Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I can’t stop laughing at this
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?