Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Haha good job!!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me