Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror