🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
You Might Also Like
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.