That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.