I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.