Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit