Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The USS B port
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Woke up against my better judgement again
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro