Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.