What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Yup
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.