saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
concern
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!