At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You Might Also Like
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I have no passwords left in me
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Yes my dude
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.