Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Who called it cremation and not ashashination