The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!