I put the p in pants.
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interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.