in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Siri, fight Alexa.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
こいつ天才
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying