My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
🤣🤣🤣
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?