Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?