Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Love thy neighbor’s dog
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake