CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*