Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.