Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Breaking news:
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend