I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.