Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me