“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.