Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
You Might Also Like
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.