Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office