When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Who chose this font
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.