[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
You Might Also Like
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.