[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.