ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.