After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!