I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
A small tragedy.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
@ candidates for local office
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.