If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…