Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You Might Also Like
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say