Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?