Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.