When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂