It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
This checks out
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice