Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My blood type is coffee.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.