My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Don’t forget to tip your server
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
From Facebook just now…
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito