t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.