So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m listening
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I wish I could veto my bills.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!