*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
new career option?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?