Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!