Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
How to wake up a Beagle
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill