“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~