me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You Might Also Like
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[montage of me giving-up]
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.