ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
dam girl
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo